Being outgoing and having anxiety sounds like a huge oxymoron. This is why I struggle so much with writing this and telling the people closest to me. I never thought anyone would believe that I have anxiety, I thought people would tell me I’m being over dramatic and over sensitive, as usual. I’ve been called over sensitive for as long as I can remember. I cry often, I’m loyal almost to a fault, and I’m outgoing. These are some of my best qualities that, for a while, I saw as my worst enemies. I hid behind the fact that I was outgoing and love to help people to distract myself from my own true problems.
Over the years, I learned I am one hell of an actress, especially when my anxiety is so high I can no longer control it. I get so upset but once I calm down, I quickly move on and try to pretend like nothing happened. I don't do this because the feelings weren't there, I do this because burdening my friends with problems I have convinced myself I have made up is not something I'm comfortable with. I often give out small moments of my anxiety to those close to me and quickly take them back by telling everyone I'm fine.
For 20 years of my life, I never addressed the things racing through my mind. I thought that my problems were not real, I never imagined myself as someone who could struggle with their mental health.
Over the past year my anxiety started to consume my life, to the point where it was affecting my relationships with my friends and family and I knew something had to change. I took it upon myself to go see someone and it was the best thing I have ever done. I have learned that taking on everyone’s problems and using them to distract myself from my own is no longer something I can do. I have learned that my anxiety is valid and I am not being over sensitive. Although I am learning to manage my anxiety, I still struggle. Whether it be overthinking situations to the point where I make myself sick, over committing to things and people and alas putting my own self on the back burner, and so many more, I struggle.I am striving to put myself first. But the thing I am proud of most is that I am getting better. I am not perfect, but I have amazing friends and family who have been able to be patient with me and helped me along this rollercoaster ride. I am so grateful to be apart of something like Hope Happens Here that has helped me personally fight the stigma. I hope that through HHH, we can help so many more people. HHH thank you for constantly reminding me, its OK to not be OK.
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