I am an athlete, I am not allowed to not be okay. We are supposed to be strong and stable not only for ourselves but for our team.That was what I would tell myself every day. Coming to Saint Mike’s my freshman year I really struggled with who I was and who I was supposed to be. There was a lot of anxiety that would surround the future for me and what I wanted to do with my life. On top of that, society creates unspoken molds for each of us and for me, it was hard for me to see beyond that into who I wanted to be. It was always hard for me to express this controversy that was going on in my head as well. There was never a true pinpoint for my moods and why I would feel so down, which frustrated me. I had a breaking point over that winter break freshman year when I came clean to my family. I came out to them as being gay and discussed what was going through my head about my uncertainties but I still felt that I didn’t have it all together myself. Coming back for spring semester I saw a counselor to try and sift through what I was feeling but I still could not shake the idea of the “mold” that I needed to fulfill versus who I actually was as a person. Thinking about the past scares me and I hate to think that I am defined by who I was or the decisions I made, especially when there are pressures to be something I’m not. There is a quote by Wendell Berry that says, “The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it.” It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I really decided to start adding to who I was as a person and better my mental health. That year I met my best friend and someone who allowed me to grow and become who I was. I would like to think that she really did help me in ways that I cannot describe to anyone else. I came out to my friends and began to dig into lacrosse as my outlet. Being an athlete meant that I had to be strong and for so long I thought that it meant I had to be unbreakable. That is SO not the case. Lacrosse was my outlet, it was my team, it was my family. It gave me a chance to work through thoughts that I could not express to anyone else, especially myself. The chaos in my life matched the chaos on the field. If I could handle that, then I could handle anything. It’s OK not to be OK. If there is any advice I could give, it would be that our sports are what make us strong on and off the field. They give us courage and stamina to deal with challenges that are thrown in our direction. There are lessons that we learn from tough practices, hard games, and even more importantly, glorious triumphs. My mom always tells our family, “if you don’t have your health you don’t have anything.” It can sound harsh but when I sit down and really think about what she means, it makes so much sense. I don’t always like to admit that my parents are right… but she’s right. Being self-aware and in-tune with myself is so important. Staying true to who I am and what I believe in helps me to escape that past and move into something better. Reach out, rely on your friends, family, and your team because you’d be surprised at the love and support you will get in return. *mic drop*